On Biff's Mind 5/31/09:

And the movie summer started so well. Star Trek came out, and everything was just great. Then came X-Men Origins: Wolverine. It was a bit troubling, to say the least. To say the VERY least. A dozen mutants, half a plot, and no logic. Marvel Comic fans sat in stunned silence as an X-Men film cast Heather Hudson as a little old lady. Deadpool, the Merc With the Mouth, was created, and he had NO FUCKING MOUTH. There were Adamantium bullets, and… and… I don’t want to talk about it any more.

Things could only get better, right? Right? Well, you tell me. Look up there. You see that face? I saw Terminator Salvation, like, FIVE days ago, and I STILL have that expression on my face.

Fucking McG. Why would I trust a 41-year-old man who calls himself McG? Am I going to go learn nothing from this experience? Am I going to stumble into a cinema later this year to see a multimillion dollar sci-fi extravaganza directed by a man named, say, DJ White Castle? I sincerely hope not.

No, I’m not going to review Terminator Salvation. The internet is now full of bad reviews of that piece of crap. It’s time to wipe it from my memory banks.

The summer can only get better. This time I really, really mean it. Disney/Pixar’s Up came out this weekend, and Sam Raimi’s new horror release Drag Me to Hell. Both are getting good early reviews. I have high hopes. But that’s the kind of guy that I am. Even now. Eternal optimist, that’s me.

While I’m here, just a note: As the geek’s television season has pretty much entirely gone into summer reruns, I’ll be laying off the TV segment for the next few months, and concentrating entirely on film and comic book reviews. (or this week, just film) Thanks for reading.

MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS (2009)

Asylum Home Entertainment

Written by Ace Hannah (Jack Perez)

Directed by Ace Hannah (Jack Perez)

There you go. THERE'S your money shot.

Accidentally freed from a glacier, a prehistoric megaladon (not that there’s any other kind) and a giant octopus immediately revive and take off in separate paths of destruction. The beasts become a serious danger to all sea vessels, oil derricks, and airlines (?) Fortunately, about an hour after the audience has read the film’s title and so come to expect it, the great scientific minds of our time decide that mankind’s only hope lies in getting the two behemoths to attack each other. This time it’s to the death. This time it’s Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.

This time is Asylum time, naturally. It is all, of course, as silly as it sounds. For an Asylum Home Entertainment film, though, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus has a couple of surprising qualities. Firstly, it isn’t an immediately obvious rip-off of any currently hot property, which is definitely outside of usual Asylum practice. If anything, this is a surprisingly gentle homage to the giant monster films of the 1950s. Also, it shows a slightly bigger budget and higher effort. Now, when I say that, I do mean entirely by Asylum production standards. That means a few more settings, more CGI effects than usual, and a couple of recognizable actors, namely Lorenzo Lamas and Deborah (no longer Debbie) Gibson. All things are relative, you see.

There is even a weak attempt to pretend there is a plot, as Ms. Gibson's oceanographer character spends the film reading a plethora of nautical info off of various computer screens. This serves as little more than filler, although it does provide plenty of great bad film fodder. Such a moment occurs when naval commander Lamas leans toward Gibson and asks, “Shark or squid?” while they’re both looking at a radar image that is basically a big cartoon drawing of an octopus. Hmm, puzzler.

Still, the audience will only stand for so much of this “story” business, and writer/director Jack Perez wisely makes sure that about every fifteen minutes there’s a little taste of shark or octopus action. Mind you, until the very conclusion most of these scenes are very short, as in one or two shots. Overall, far too much of the film’s carnage occurs off-screen. An entire attack on Tokyo, for example, is never shown, which never would have flown back in the old “man in a rubber suit” days. The CGI that is featured, meanwhile, is of varying quality. Some of it quite good; some you’ve seen better on YouTube.

So, is Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus worth a view? To be sure, there are die-hard Asylum fans who will savor the badness. Also, the film comes bizarrely close to working on a very low-rent family-film level, if one excuses the occasional swear word and a brief and strictly PG love scene. It’s almost tempting to make it your “Child’s First Monster Movie”. But ultimately it’s neither fish nor fowl (nor squid); too slow-moving for kids, and too dumb for most adults. More importantly, the film commits a Monster Movie cardinal sin: The creatures just don’t have any personality. No, parents would be better off showing their offspring King Kong vs. Godzilla. At least back in the good old days when a monster showed up to destroy Tokyo, you knew darned well that you were going to SEE it.

STORM WARNING (2007)

Dimension Extreme

Written by Everett De Roche

Directed by Jamie Blanks

This place got four Star(t to fucking run, you idiot)s in the Michelin Guide.

“My father once told me if you want to catch a mad dog you have to think like a mad dog… only madder.” This disturbing bit of information is as much as we ever learn about Pia, the petite but rather formidable French lady who is the lead of Storm Warning, an Aussie horror tale about the worst fishing vacation ever.

Taking shelter from a storm, (thus the rather generic title) the tough and lovely lady and her less rugged but well-meaning husband Rob have the bad luck to run across a creepy old farmhouse, complete with a barnful of sharp tools and a shed full of marijuana. Before the couple can move onto safer pastures, the home’s three owners have returned. This farmer and his sons are men of simple needs and desires. They don’t need people nosing into their business. They desire the woman. Before the night is over Rob will try to defend his wife, but it is Pia who will surprise everyone with brutal acts of survival.

Storm Warning belongs to the horror subgenre I like to call “Wrong Place At the Wrong Time.” These films, which generally involve lost groups of people trying to avoid being violated, beaten, killed and eaten, were popular in the U.S. as far back as Last House on the Left (1972), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), and The Hills Have Eyes (1977). They have remained hot through more modern fare such as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), The Hills Have Eyes (2006), and Last House on the Left (2009). God bless the Hollywood imagination factory! Storm Warning, though is a slight variation on the breed, and not just because it isn’t a remake or a sequel.

In this film, you see, the female prey is more threatening than the predators. The only real problem is that it does not seem to be the filmmakers’ intention. No, the story is set up in the traditional manner, so that the character of Pia is supposed to be in danger. Unfortunately, her captors make repeated bonehead mistakes that make eventual triumph over them a foregone conclusion. Really, if some hicks want to rape, skin, and eat you, you can only hope that they will be stupid enough to first leave you alone for an HOUR in a barn filled with sharp farm implements. It maximizes your odds of survival. Sadly, it also minimizes a film’s suspense.

The movie being so predictable, there fortunately are elements that make it worth watching. First is French actress Nadia Fares, who steals every scene as determined survivor Pia. Her performance has a hypnotically intense quality, and is especially impressive given the fact that this was apparently only her second English-speaking role. Also, the movie has a high gore quotient. Although it takes events a while to reach the boiling point, the second half of the film is non-stop ultra-violent action. Hardcore horror fans will definitely appreciate moments that seem to channel scenes from Hellraiser and I Spit on Your Grave. There are still other moments that are more original and, dare I say, even bloodier.

Storm Warning is a not terribly original entry to a subgenre that wasn’t well-known for originality to begin with. With a few strikes against it, it's actually pretty impressive that this movie’s execution manages to push it over the top. It will be too extreme for some people’s tastes, but most horror fans will find it to be an acceptable lightweight watch. Its most severe flaw is that the story is never as dark and threatening as it should be, due to some unintentionally inept lead villains.

Oh, and the movie also raises one question: Under what circumstances does a father discuss the best methods to catch a mad dog with his little French daughter?

* * *

And that's all for this week. See you next week, ultra-violent Francophile geeks.

On Biff's Mind 5/25/09:

Checking in a day late this week, not because of Memorial Day weekend partying, but because of scary lightning and the resulting technical difficulties. I had to shut down at my end last night to protect my delicate megabytes.

I should really look into some type of protected backup power supply. One should always be able to write in safety. I take as an example Edgar Allan Poe. The slightest sound of thunder and he would plug in his trusty backup fountain pen. Of course, his real problem was that he never plugged the whiskey bottle, but one can only foresee one hazard at a time. Anyway, I digress. Now, for a look at some Geek Friendly Material for this week:

The Devil’s Tomb (2009)

Written by Keith Kjornes

Directed by Jason Connery

Being greeted by this guy is the closest thing to finding an actual sign that says "Turn back NOW".

A team of clichés, sorry, mercenaries flies across the desert to a secret underground research lab. Their mission is to find an archaeologist who has been out of contact with civilization since a recent earthquake. Once the mercs arrive, though, they have their own problems. Their own EEEEEVILLLLLLL problems. And thusly we have:

10 Thoughts While Watching THE DEVIL’S TOMB

1) To be a member of an elite team of private soldiers, you apparently must learn to disobey orders, be easily distracted, panic at the first appearance of the unknown, and wander away from your post to flip through porn magazines. Extensive weapons experience is not necessarily required.

2) A person who speaks “a lot of languages” should know what the word Gehenna means, or at least how to pronounce it.

3) A man who spits acid blood is a sign that all is not well.

4) If you can be lured to your death by a completely nude woman who appears from nowhere, you could also be lured to your death by, say, any random shiny object. Yes, nude women are nice. But you should always know who they are and where they come from.

5) Angels apparently look like aliens, kind of like that little fella in the Alien Autopsy: Fact or Fiction? (fiction) video. No fooling.

6) Bill Mosely can be creepy in a film of any level of crappiness.

7) Little Known Fact: Jason and Jeremy London are not in fact twin brothers. He is just one person. This is a clever ploy that allows him to appear in twice as many B-movies and then file separate tax forms at the end of the year. He gets GREAT returns, especially if he writes off for business lunches but steals from catering vans.

8) This film had:

• Ray Winstone (Beowulf)
• Stephanie Jacobsen (Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles; Battlestar Galactica: Razor)
• Bill Mosely (The Devil’s Rejects)
• Zack Ward (Titus)
• Ron Perlman (Hellboy himself)
• Henry Rollins
• Cuba “I won an Oscar, then something really freaking weird happened” Gooding Jr.

It’s safe to say casting wasn’t a problem. Unfortunately, it also wasn’t a cure.

9) When, in a movie, an ancient evil was entombed for 2000 years, it always sounded better back in, I don’t know, 1980 or something. THEN it meant that the evil had been locked up since, let’s see, 20 B.C. Those B.C. years always sounded epic.

These days, though, when something has been going on for 2000 years that means since the year, well, 9. That just doesn’t have the same sense of grandeur.

“But Biff,” I hear you saying, “It would really be the year 9 A.D., which does sound kind of impressive.”

That is true. However, we have been in A.D. years for the last 2009 years. So, do people say, for example, that Saturday Night Fever was released in 1977 A.D. ? No. So shut your piehole.

10) Man, movies as bad as The Devil’s Tomb never used to make me this grumpy. I must be getting old. Not as old as some of the by-the-numbers plotting of The Devil’s Tomb, but pretty old. Oh, and let’s just forget about that whole “piehole” business. We’re all friends here, right?

24.S07E23.PREAIR.DVDRip.XviD-TOPAZ.avi

24.S07E24.PREAIR.DVDRip.XviD-TOPAZ.avi

(24 Episodes 723: 6:00 a.m.-7:00 a.m. & 724: 7:00 a.m.-8:00 a.m.)

If you look at the pictures in this order, it kind of looks like Jack Bauer is in a big action scene at the end of Season Seven.

Did Season Seven of 24 have an action-packed finale? Let’s put it this way. Kim Bauer had a bigger action scene than her father. No, things never really got up and running this year. Still, you’ve got to hand it to Jack: Even all twitchy-eyed and with one hour to live, he’s a hell of a shot.

Better luck next year. My prediction is one more season and then a feature film. You heard it here first. May 25, 2009. Mark it.

* * *

And that’s all for now. See you next week, dedicated geek.

On Biff's Mind 5/17/09:

I have a greatly abbreviated edition this week, due to internal rumblings of a gastro-intestinal nature. Last night the Biffette and I had friends over for Mexican Night. It was a *urp* great success. Too much of a success, apparently. As a result, I don’t have much on my mind. It’s all on my stomach. *groan* But enough about my pain. Let’s take a bleary-eyed look at what was… somewhere… on the net this week:

CARNOSAUR (1993)

Deadly, but somehow cute as a button.

In 1993 there were two killer dinosaur movies. This is the one that came out first.

Okay, so Carnosaur didn’t have any of those fancy-shmancy Jurassic Park-ish CGI effects, but hey, it had Clint Howard, and really what’s more important, CGI or Clint Howard? Huh? Really? Damn spoiled kids, with your CGI and your iPods and your Tila Tequila …

Seriously, give this one a shot. It features good old-fashioned RUBBER dinosaurs; the kind your parents grew up with. It also features a town that literally rolls up its sidewalks at night, (either that or Roger Corman wouldn’t spring for them in the budget, and what are the odds of that?) and three-time Oscar nominee Diane Lane in the oddest choice of her career. Sure, it’s a silly film, but it’s fun, and was successful enough at the time to become a trilogy.

FOR EXTRA CREDIT: Check out 2001’s Raptor. An ultra-low budget offering starring Eric Roberts, most of its effects shots (and some entire scenes) are taken from the Carnosaur trilogy. If your stomach can take it, listen to its audio commentary track featuring director Jim Wynorski, on which he pretends that he directed all of the scenes in the film. (and no, he didn’t direct any of the Carnosaur films, so Mr. Pants on Fire didn’t direct his own stock footage)

Lost.S05E16-E17.The.Incident.HDTV.XviD-FQM.avi (Lost Episode 516-517: “The Incident”)

Freakin' huge. Freakin' mysterious.

I don’t usually discuss the same show two weeks in a row, but it was a pretty slow week, and come on, look at that statue!

The Lost season finale did exactly what it was supposed to. It sped everything up, answered a lot of questions, raised a HELL of a lot more, and ended in a way that really made the viewers wish that it wasn’t the last episode of the season. It will be 2010 before the next fix. Damn!

***

And on that frustrating note, I’m hitting the antacids again, HARD. See you next week, more sensibly eating geeks.

On Biff's Mind 5/10/09:

What’s on my mind at the moment is how sometimes you can’t really say what’s on your mind. This is particularly true when you are in a relationship. The problem is, women are always ASKING you what you’re thinking about. I’m a guy. A lot of the time I’m not thinking about anything at all, and if I am thinking about something, it’s probably something that is going to get me that look. You know that woman look? An example:

My Biffette

What are you thinking about?

Me

Nothing.

Biffette

Come on, you have to be thinking about something.

Me

Okay, I’m thinking about Superman and The Flash.

Biffette

Superman… and The Flash.

Me

Yeah. I was wondering who would win in a race.

Biffette

(look begins to form)

Uh huh.

Me

It’s not a stupid question. I mean, they’ve already raced twice. Once in space! And both times they tied. But they deliberately threw both races to beat gamblers.

Biffette

If you say so, honey.

Me

(noticing the look)

Hey, you’re the one who asked!

And that’s when my thoughts are purely innocent, non-sexual, and non-judgmental. Such is not always the case.

For example: I was watching Lost the other night, and I thought to myself how lucky I am that Yunjim Kim, the beautiful Korean actress who plays Sun, is not my girlfriend. (Okay, strictly speaking, luck has little to do with it; it probably has more to do with the fact that she is a gorgeous international actress and I am a squat troll-like blogger)

You see, at some point in our relationship she would notice me staring at her; not staring at her body, or at her eyes, but at her oddly misshapen nostrils. At that point she would ask me, “My dear, what are you thinking about?” and I would answer honestly, like a fool, “Oh, I was just musing to myself, you are so beautiful, but I wonder how your nostrils became so shell-like and twisted.” And like every honest thought that accidentally leaked out of my mouth, it would lead to retribution. Oh, yes.

But best to part with such thoughts, and instead focus on interesting tidbits… somewhere…on the net.

***

Movies:

The Terminators (2009)

A T4 unit prepares for his unique variation on the pole vault in The Terminators.

The Asylum does one thing. And since that thing is to, eh, pay homage to whatever movies are currently popular, subtle titles aren’t in their best interests. Therefore, The Terminators’ title denotes it as an obvious rip… sorry, homage to what film? That is correct. Brokeback Mountain.

But seriously, ladies and germdroids, the latest “creation” from the Asylum production line is a stripped-down reworking of the series that made Arnold Schwarzenegger and James Cameron household names. The unique Asylum touches are that:

A) The whole time travel element has been tossed out, substituted by a space station/laboratory assault mission;

and

B) Ahhnold has been replaced by a chiseled bit player named Paul Logan, who isn’t asked to do much in the way of acting.

Logan gets to one up Arnie in at least one area. He gets to play a whole army of androids. (referred to as T4s in this film) Of course, playing an army of people who all look identical, dress identically, and have no facial expressions is not really that different from just playing one person.

There is plenty of bad-to-fair CGI in The Terminators, and more explicit violence than you would see in a real Terminator film. It’s just not violence handled all that competently. It’s an interesting thing about Asylum films. Sure, they have gore, and they have stunts, but they never seem to have actual stunt coordination. A person shoots someone, period. A person hits someone, period. A car approaches and then flips over, period. Once the production company learns how to link together an actual action sequence, they might have some pretty exciting stuff. Of course, their film budgets will also then go up, and they probably won’t be able to release five or more movies a year.

The Terminators is to be watched only for its cheese factor, and even then the viewer should be warned: Its abrupt non-ending will piss off even the most tolerant of bad film lovers. Asylum film fans are their own particular breed, similar to Charles Band fans from the 80s (if you don’t know who Charles Band is, well, he could make up a whole other blog entry). To paraphrase the old office poster, you don’t have to be crazy to watch this crap, but it doesn’t hurt.

***

GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST (2009)

Girlfriends drag guys to this film and a little bit of each and every one of us dies inside, yay!

Nah, just messing with y’all. I’d never watch a Matthew McConaughey comedy, even to review it.

***

PUSH (2009)

A man you do not want to cut in front of at Starbucks does his thing in Push.

Among us are hidden those who have very special powers; mental manipulation, telekinesis, precognition, and more. These people would like to live normal lives, but are constantly on the run from a world organization that wants to harness their powers in order to create the ultimate soldier.

Sound familiar? No, this isn’t a description of the TV series Heroes, or of any dozens of comic books, American or Japanese. THIS time it’s the premise of the film Push, a slow-paced, and as one might gather, not particularly original little sci-fi thriller.

Chris Evans stars, and one good thing that can be said is that he’s a hell of a lot less annoying in Push than he was as Johnny Storm in the two Fantastic Four movies. He plays opposite Dakota Fanning, who’s now, wow, fifteen years old. Her role makes the most of her standard world-weary adult-in-a-child’s-body vibe, as here she plays a girl desperately looking for a missing mother who is most likely dead.

Plotwise Push offers nothing new, and action scenes are way too few and far between. Where the story could have squeezed in frequent Matrix-style psychic ass-kicking, instead it substitutes dull scenes of half-baked espionage. Frankly, this type of movie SHOULD be mindless. Only at its conclusion does it truly come through in this area, with flying bodies and CGI pyrotechnics galore. It makes the journey almost worthwhile.

By the way, Roger Ebert said he didn’t understand any of this movie. Nice to know that you and I are smarter than him, isn’t it?

***

TV:

Lost.S05E15.HDTV.XviD-NoTV.avi (Lost Episode 515: “Follow The Leader”)

Look, I'm not saying a word; I'm just puttin' it out there. Still very attractive and talented...

This week things are really coming to a head. Back in 1977, Jack (Matthew Fox) is convinced that by detonating a hidden hydrogen bomb, he can alter the timeline and prevent the plane crash that brought him and all of the other survivors to the island in the first place. Meanwhile in the present, (wait, is that even possible?) John Locke (Terry O’Quinn) leads the Others on a pilgrimage to finally go meet Jacob. But does he have ulterior motives? The plot thickens…

No time to catch up now, new viewers. Next week is the big two-hour season finale. After that, though, all summer to check out what you’ve missed.

***

24.S07E21.HDTV.XviD-LOL.avi (24 Episode 721: 4:00 a.m-5:00 a.m.

In the next couple of weeks Webster's will probably have to invent a new word to describe the level of fucked that Tony Almeida will be once Jack catches up with him.

To tell the truth, kind of a slow week for Jack Bauer (Keifer Sutherland) and Co. While Tony Almeida (Carlos Bernard) works to frame an innocent Islamic American (Rafi Gavron) for some upcoming terrorist deeds, President Taylor’s daughter (Annie Wersching) is stuck on the horns of a moral dilemma: Should she pay a hit man to take revenge on Jonas Hodges (Jon Voigt) for the murder of her brother?

Three episodes to go squeezed into two weeks, since it all ends in a big two-hour shin-dig. Expect much bloodshed.

***

Comics:

Plan 9 From Outer Space Strikes Again! (Blue Water Comics; March 09)

Writers: Darren G. Davis & Chad Helder

Pencils: Giovanni Timpano

Colors: Alex Solazzo

Plan 9 From Outer Space Strikes Again! has some of the look, but not enough of the soul.

In 1959 writer/director Ed Wood unleashed an unintentional comedy classic, Plan 9 From Outer Space, to an unprepared and unsuspecting world of filmgoers. His sci-fi horror effort quickly became THE standard for bad filmmaking, eventually gaining the title Worst Film Ever Made.

Blue Water Comics has now chosen to commemorate the 50^th anniversary of Plan 9‘s release by publishing a more intentionally campy comic book sequel to the events of the film, entitled Plan 9 From Outer Space Strikes Again! Sadly, though, Ed Wood probably would have done better.

The truth is, there just isn’t a lot of heart in Strikes Again! Heart, you see, was what Ed Wood was all about. The man truly wanted to make a great film. He also wanted to tell a story. That is where this comic book sequel really fails. For all its attempted wackiness, it is essentially no more than a modern zombie tale, with a few elements from Ed Wood’s original film tacked on.

In the end, Plan 9 From Outer Space Strikes Again! doesn’t really capture the Ed Wood spirit at all. It takes more than a Tor Johnson cameo and a girl in a Vampira-esque outfit to make an Ed Wood tale. No, if you’re going to make crap, you have to think you’re making gold. Hence, these Ed Wood tribute comics by their very nature are bound to fail. They are way too self-conscious in their attempts to be clever. Ed Wood, for all his bumbling, was a natural. God love him.

***

Star Trek Crew Issue #3 “Ghosts” (IDW; May 09)

Writing and Art: John Byrne

Colors: Lovern Kindzierski

The Star Trek Crew comic is a nice tribute to Majel Barrett Roddenberry's Number One character.

The Star Trek Crew series has a simple premise: It shows early moments, not only in Starfleet in general, but specifically in the career of Number One. This enigmatic brunette was fated to become First Officer for Christopher Pike, the original Captain of the USS Enterprise. (note that these comics follow the timeline of the original Star Trek series, not that of the new film)

In issue #3, entitled “Ghosts”, our leading lady is leading an away team investigating a space colony that history has forgotten. Matters naturally turn both mysterious and dangerous. To be honest, though, the story is pretty much by the numbers; previous issues in the series have been much stronger. Writer John Byrne, however, can always be counted on for strong characterization, and the issue does end with a strong suggestion that true adventure lies just ahead.

***

And on that intriguing note we come to a close. Beam in next week, fellow geeks.

On Biff's Mind 5/03/09:

Not a damned thing. Really. Not a single thought. It’s like a vacuum in here. One would think that the possibility of a swine flu pandemic might set some gears to turning, but no. I’m happy for those who can get decent health care; I feel bad for those who can’t. Other than that, nothing profound to offer.

Okay, here’s something. A recent study says that office workers who engage heavily in social networking apps such as Twitter or Facebook are considerably less productive. Fine. Is anyone fucking up the economy who isn’t working in an office? Okay, then the more time that people in offices spend not doing their jobs, the better off we all are. Twitter away. How’s THAT for profound?

But enough of my twittering. Here’s some interesting content available… somewhere… on the net. This week, let’s stick to Movies:

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (2008)

For a film that is so green-centric, The Day The Earth Stood Still is awfully gray and lifeless. Not this gray, but you get the idea.

A Formula for a Profitable Remake. For this example we will use The Day The Earth Stood Still:

1) Get a note pad and a pen.

2) Get hold of a DVD of 1951’s The Day The Earth Stood Still, one of the most respected sci-fi films of all time. Write down the title of the film and the name of the director.

3) Watch the first 10 minutes of the movie. That should give you the gist of the plot. Jot down a couple of character names, and then turn off the DVD. You now have enough info to begin working on your remake.

4) Write a screenplay for a new, improved Day The Earth Stood Still. Take note of the anti-war message of the original film, and then dismiss it; there are people who watch Fox News who don’t appreciate that kind of talk. Substitute a “recycle, reduce, and re-use” message. That will be sufficient for bold social content, right?

5) Check your notes on the original Day The Earth Stood Still. Look up the director’s name on the IMDB: ROBERT WISE. It looks like he won several Oscars for his directing work. Now find a suitable substitute for the late Mr. Wise. How about SCOTT DERRICKSON? He directed Hellraiser: Inferno and The Exorcism of Emily Rose. Okay, sure, he seems to be in the same league.

6) Next: Casting. Call up Keanu Reeves. Tell him you have one of those “serious” roles that he doesn’t usually get offered. Then call Jennifer Connelly. Tell her you have one of those “Why the hell do I do every film I’m offered?” roles that are quickly turning her into the female Michael Caine.

7) Spend millions on marketing your film.

8) Whoops, you forgot to make a film. Put something in the can, anything, THEN spend millions on marketing it.

9) Release your movie. Recover your production costs in the first weekend, before the bad word of mouth gets around. Wisely, you have no advance screenings for critics. Critics are a pain in the ass, with all their “This film sucks” and “Why didn’t this story make sense?” Bitch, bitch, bitch.

10) Prepare a “deluxe” blu-ray release of your film. Include the original Day The Earth Stood Still as a bonus feature. Or include your film as a bonus blu-ray drink coaster, depending on one’s perspective.

MY BLOODY VALENTINE (2009)

This is just a sample of some of the cool 3D you won't see in the home version. (glasses not included) Actually, this is that lame old-style 3D, unlike the mega-rocking-whoa-dude 3D from the theatrical version.

My Bloody Valentine

Sweet Gory Valentine

You drive a pick-axe through my heart

Your story’s laughable

Unphotographable

Yet you’re some decent low-brow art

Is this film fit for a geek

Is your script a little weak

When it all comes to a peak

Not too smart?

But don’t change a frame for me

It’s not too lame for me

Stay Bloody Valentine stay…

That last line seemed a bit gay.

You’ll have to forgive me; My Bloody Valentine just brings out the songbird in me. Anyway, apparently it’s Remake Week here at Biff Torrence’ place. Granted, the original 1981 MBV was not a particularly well-known or widely-released film. It was just another one of the dozens of slasher films that flooded theaters in the early 80s, following the success of Halloween.

My Bloody Valentine unfortunately had the bad luck to come along after the MPAA (that’s Motion Picture Association of America, for the uninitiated) had decided to crack down on horror film violence. As a result, the elder Valentine was stripped of pretty much all of its hardcore gore. Without the bloody goods that the kids loved (and I should know, since I was one of them), its box office suffered. Still, it had a big cult following. When people started remaking horror films left and right, it was a natural choice.

The nice thing about the new My Bloody Valentine, as opposed to recent crap remakes such as Prom Night and Last House on the Left, is that it respects the original material. Okay, the original material wasn’t exactly Shakespeare. Still, if a movie's good enough to remake, why not use more than just the title?

I'm also pleased to say that this Valentine does a bloody good job of putting back all of the violence that the original filmmakers just couldn’t get away with. Now, in the theatrical release all of the gruesomeness was especially fun, since it was presented in ultra-mega-freaking cool RealD 3D. Sadly, the video release literally can’t do this, as the digital 3D process has not yet been successfully translated for home viewing. Still, the blood is plentiful, and the gore effects are good. You will believe an eyeball can fly.

Just like the original, MBV '09 does have a plot of sorts, involving a mining town facing the possible return of a legendary crazed killer. Mostly, though, it’s just an excuse to watch people die and nude women run around (well, one anyway). Oh, and as I understand it, the ladies like to look at hunky actor Jensen Ackles (also popular on the CW’s Supernatural). Something for everyone, basically.

My Bloody Valentine is the textbook definition of a Popcorn Movie. There are people who don’t like this sort of mindless fun, but who are these people, and why are they reading this? (Just kidding, I need every reader I can get; if you’re not into this stuff, I’ll see if I can wrangle up some gardening tips for next week) If you’re a horror fan, you should have seen this movie in the theater. Whether you did or not, though, don’t miss it now. In fact, you might want to do a double feature of My Bloody Valentine ‘09 and My Bloody Valentine ’81, since the original has finally had its gore restored for its latest DVD re-release. Compare, contrast, discuss. Let me know what you think. Or don’t.

***

And that’s all for this week’s particularly mindless edition. See you next week, Fellowship of the Geek.

On Biff's Mind 4/26/09

Originally I was going to go on a lengthy rant about the government’s current concerns that bit torrent technology could be used to endanger national security (which makes about as much sense as trying to ban paper because people illegally photocopy government documents). Then, however, I ran across this top-secret excerpt from the script for the last episode of this season’s 24. Frankly, it just seemed more interesting. I present it unexpurgated, just as I found it:

***

Jack Bauer and Tony Almeida leap out just before their go-karts go flying off the end of the boardwalk. Tony makes a run for it, but Jack quickly tackles him.

JACK

I warned you, Tony! I said if you were lying to me I’d kill you! And you’ve lied to me nineteen… no, wait… TWENTY times, if you include that one time when you told me that you weren’t going to lie to me.

Jack pulls Tony up onto his feet. Tony quickly pulls out a government-issue Glock 22 and brandishes it menacingly.

TONY

Step back, Jack.

Jack steps back.

TONY

Remember, Jack, if you kill me you’ll never know how all of these terrorist plots tie together! The electronic rerouting of air traffic, the subterranean attack on the White House, the bio-weapons, the army of genetically-enhanced guinea pigs, the Paris Hilton tape…

JACK

Shut up, Tony! You betrayed your government! You betrayed the people!

TONY

Jack, our government killed my wife! They killed YOUR wife! They’ve killed so many wives that I’m surprised anyone still HAS a wife!

JACK

No, Tony, you’re wrong. They didn’t kill your wife. You see…

Jack reaches up and grabs a zipper tab on the top of his head. He quickly unzips himself, revealing that he was in fact Michelle Dessler wearing a Jack Bauer costume.

MICHELLE

… I AM your wife!

TONY

(shocked; lowering his weapon)

Michelle!

MICHELLE

Tony!

Michelle and Tony embrace. Tony gives Michelle a big wet kiss.

TONY

Michelle… No offense, but you taste like a guy…

Michelle grabs Tony’s Glock and quickly puts three bullets into his chest. She then reaches up and grabs a zipper tab on the top of her head. She quickly unzips herself, revealing that she was in fact Jack Bauer wearing a Michelle Dessler costume under a Jack Bauer costume.

JACK

I told you I’d kill you, Tony, and I meant it. Because you…

TONY

(coughing up blood)

Yeah, I know, because I lied to you. Geez, hold a grudge why don’t you?

Tony flops down and dies. Renee Walker appears from around the corner, leading a half-dozen FBI agents in flak jackets. She steps up just as Jack is poking Tony in the eye with a stick, making sure he’s really dead this time.

RENEE

Jack! Thank God you’re okay! I saw what you did. Now you probably want to share all of your guilty inner feelings with me, even though we’ve only known each other for about twenty-two hours.

JACK

I had to do it, Renee. I had to kill him.

RENEE

No, I meant the part where you dressed up as a woman and kissed a dude.

JACK

Damnit!

***

But enough about that. Here are some interesting items to be found this week... somewhere... on the net.

Movies:

THE BURROWERS (2008)

There haven’t been a lot of classic horror westerns, by which I mean true period pieces, as opposed to modern takes such as Tremors, Near Dark and such. No, as far as true old-style western horror, the main memorable entry has been 1999’s Ravenous, with perhaps an honorable mention for the less classic but fun Grim Prairie Tales (1990). The Burrowers, though, is a VERY respectable addition to this short list.

The Burrowers at first appears to be a straight-forward tale of cowboys, Indians, and monsters. (see, in my world this would be considered straight-forward) Writer/director J.T. Petty in fact wants the viewer to take a close look at our frontier ancestors, and quite a damning look it is. The gist of the tale is that an isolated pioneer family disappears. When this is discovered, the local Native American population, even though they have already been rounded up into reservations, are of course the first and only people to fall under suspicion. While a U.S. Cavalry officer tries to beat the “truth” out of a captured Indian, an actual and very dangerous enemy lurks beneath the surface.

While this film has something to say, it avoids preachiness (perhaps unlike me). The story never slows down, and contains enough twists, turns, and cool effects to keep interest levels high. It is also presented by a highly skilled cast which includes veteran character actors Clancy Brown, (Buckaroo Banzai, Carnivale, Lost) William Mapother, (Prison Break, Lost) and Doug Hutchison (The X-Files, Lost).

[Note to self: Why haven’t I been cast on Lost? Everyone has been cast on Lost.]

Perhaps the most unique elements of The Burrowers are the Burrowers themselves. Represented mostly through well-done CGI, these creatures go against the standard film cliché of “monster equals unstoppable killing machine”. The Burrowers are instead presented as clever, deadly, but still vulnerable animals. Although it may be hard for some to imagine a realistic monster movie, The Burrowers is just such a thing.

Basically what I’m getting at is SEE THIS MOVIE. It’s damned good. Hey, and even if you don’t dig the film, (dig, Burrowers, get it?) The Burrowers might still be worth a look. Those of you who have young children can enjoy telling your kids that you’re going to show them a new version of The Borrowers. Sit back and watch the fun unfold.

THE DUNWICH HORROR (2009)

The Dunwich Horror, the second filming of H.P. Lovecraft’s classic tale of great-but-slimy Elder Gods (the first was released in 1970) is a low-cost offering relying heavily on the performances of genre mainstays Jeffrey Combs and Dean Stockwell. Having these actors on scene is highly appropriate. Combs' most famous role was that of nutball scientist Herbert West in 1985’s Re-Animator, another great Lovecraft adaptation. Stockwell was the lead in the first Dunwich Horror, way back when (then he played the villain; he has now been promoted to goodie). Fortunately, the casting of both actors is more than just a gimmick; both are highly skilled character actors whose presence in this film is very welcome.

More than 80 years after its creation, The Dunwich Horror is still a story strong enough to hold its own. In brief: the evil tome Necronomicon has the power to open a dimensional portal. This portal could allow creepy Wilbur Whately’s twin brother to slip through into our reality. Humanity in general wouldn’t want this, because Wilbur’s brother isn’t, well, human. Just your basic drama, see? Man against Man, Man against Himself, Man against Multi-Tentacled Space God. You probably learned all about this stuff in high school Lit.

This movie is a mostly skillful modernization of Lovecraft’s original work. I say mostly because the dialogue is peppered with some extra and unnecessary supernatural mumbo-jumbo. There are also a few weak action scenes that mainly feel like filler. They exist only to keep the film from being 45 minutes long, and they don’t have strong enough special effects to really arouse much interest. Around these scenes, though, is the basic framework of Lovecraft’s Dunwich (and it should be noted, this is still a much more faithful adaptation than the 1970 release).

The Dunwich Horror, although hindered by its low budget, is something most horror fans will want to catch. It’s no classic, (read the original story; it is) but it has a great cast, and it’s short enough to make for a good quick Saturday night view. If you don’t get out much on Saturday night. And if you’re a hardcore Lovecraft fan, you probably don’t. No offense intended. I share your pain.

TV:

Supernatural.S04E19.Jump.the.Shark.HDTV.XviD-FQM.avi (Supernatural Episode 419: “Jump the Shark”)

This week the show takes a break from the fourth season’s preponderance of mythos episodes, with a little family drama.

The title of the episode is a bit misleading; I doubt that the creators of Supernatural actually feel that their show has seen better days. “Jump the Shark” is more of a wry little in-joke referring to the fact that this week’s story plays the infamous Previously Unknown Relative card, which is often a sign that a show’s writers have long-since run out of good ideas. Oh, Supernatural writers, you’re so wacky! Good episode, though.

Harpers.Island.S01E03.HDTV.XviD-NoTV.avi (Harper’s Island Episode 103: “Ka-Bam”)

If you haven’t watched CBS’ little serial killer drama yet, it’s time to start. 25 characters and at least one bites the dust every week. It’s a great concept, one that I wish Gossip Girl would give a try.

Books:

1001 HORRIBLE FACTS, by Anne Rooney

Yeah, it’s a kid’s book. Wanna make something of it? This is a collection of 1000 gross bits of trivia (author Anne Rooney encourages kids to fill in the 1001^st one themselves) that adults can also easily enjoy (gross adults, especially). A few gag-inducing examples of what this book has to teach our youth:

• Over a ton of pubic hair has to be filtered out of London’s sewage each year and removed to landfill sites.

• There are more germs under your fingernails than on a toilet seat.

• The Japanese beetle found in Canada and the USA can eat through a human eardrum.

As a children’s author Ms. Rooney understands young people’s fascination with urine and feces, so it seems like about one out of every ten facts in her book deals with pee-pee or poo-poo. But hey, everybody poops. In how many ways, and *choke* what people do with it, you can learn courtesy of 1001 Horrible Facts. Just don’t read it before dinner. Come to think of it, the book also has quite a few revelations about your dinner. Just read at your own risk, okay?

***

On that particularly nauseating note, that’s all for now. See ya next week, fellow geek.

On Biff's Mind 4/19/09

On Sunday, April 12 former adult film performer Marilyn Chambers was
found dead in her L.A. County home. She was 56 years old. The cause
of death has not yet been determined, preliminary autopsy results
being inconclusive.

I met Ms. Chambers a few years ago at a genre convention. She came
across as pretty much the antithesis of what the public expects from
a porn star. She was quiet, well-spoken, and aging very gracefully. She
spent much of the day graciously speaking to a long line of fans, and
genuinely seemed to enjoy the attention of her admirers (at least
the less creepy ones, which fortunately was most of them).

The internet being the way that it is, Ms. Chambers’ death this week
quickly drew hundreds of idiotic and tasteless comments from
bloggers, online “entertainment reporters”, and their readers. Most of
these comments seemed to be from people who had never met Marilyn
Chambers, probably hadn’t seen any of her movies, and possibly
weren’t even born until after her retirement from the porn business.

Thanks to the popularity of celebrity gossip sites on the internet, we
now live in a society in which every hunt-and-pecker feels that the
public is dying to hear his opinion on every single subject, regardless
of how little thought was put into it. The creators of the Penny Arcade
online comic strip once put forth the following very accurate equation:

Normal Person + Anonymity + Large Audience = Flaming Fuckwad 

Freedom of expression is a very good thing, worth fighting for. Unfortunately, the public in general has tended to forget that education, tact, and simple common sense are also important. I wouldn’t want this to sound anything like a “LEAVE BRITNEY ALOOOOOOONE” rant (lord, no); the point isn’t really which given person is being slammed at any given time. No, the point is simply this: Just because someone CAN be a dick doesn’t mean that he has to, or that most others find his white noise nearly as entertaining as he does.

But enough of THAT noise. Let’s look at what’s going on… somewhere… on the net.

Movies

The Uninvited (2009) – If M. Night Shyamalan suffered a severe blow to the head, he might then sit down and write a screenplay like the one that was used for The Uninvited. This would-be-horror film culminates in a twist not unlike the type that Shyamalan is fond of. The only difference is that The Uninvited’s ending can be predicted about 12 minutes into the running time.

Having successfully guessed where the film is headed, the best way for the viewer to then keep entertained for the next 75 minutes might be to watch normally-reliable actress Elizabeth Banks. She delivers a performance that couldn’t be less subtle if someone had just stamped “EVIL” on her forehead in big red letters (justification for this behavior is eventually attempted, but by then it is hard to care).

It is possible that viewers who don’t watch much horror may find The Uninvited’s tale chock-full of supernatural omens and red herrings, surprising and entertaining. If so, they might want to check out the Lifetime Channel. It churns out this kind of shlock every month or so, just with a 90% smaller budget and with Heather Locklear in the Elizabeth Banks role.

Swamp Devil (2008) – First Swamp Thing, then Man-Thing, now THIS thing. A good swamp monster is always fun, and as an entry into the little niche genre, Swamp Devil is not half bad. It is, in fact, a pretty decent little low-budget creature feature.

The mix begins with an able cast lead by the great (and now a bit craggy) character actor Bruce Dern. Granted, it takes him a while to show up. Make no mistake, though, he steals the show. Mr. Dern is then backed up by some more truly interesting and eccentric performances. Refreshingly, this film has actual characters, as opposed to the all-too-common cardboard cutouts that usually populate horror films. Most importantly, though, these characters are placed in a fairly original supernatural revenge story. Swamp Devil doesn’t take all the usual twists and turns. For most of the film you genuinely want to see what will happen next.

Now, all this is not to say that Swamp Devil is perfect. The CGI effects used to bring the lead monster to life are adequate but overused; with each shot the creature feels less like a character and more like a prop. The film also ends with a standard ho-hum “time to set up a sequel” epilogue. These weaknesses, though, are not enough to sink what is essentially a solid production. Swamp Devil is good fun, which is more than can be said about a good many recent horror films (see above, for example).

TV

Prison.Break.S04E17.REPACK.HDTV.XviD-0TV.avi (Prison Break Episode 417: “The Mother Lode”) – Prison Break was back this week with the first of seven new episodes. Fans should pay close attention from this point forward: Fox is wrapping up this show as of the end of this season. This week there is a trip to Miami, (remember when most of the characters in Prison Break were, like, in prison?) and we learn just how much some guy’s moms suck.

Heroes.S03E23.HDTV.XviD-LOL.avi (Heroes Episode 323: “1961”) – Speaking of moms who (usually) suck, the latest episode of Heroes gives us a little insight into just how Angela Petrelli (Cristine Rose) became so determinedly single-minded. More flashbacks this week than an average episode of Lost, but some good exposition.

Comics

Deadpool v2 issues 1-9; Marvel Comics – There are comic books that are truly worthy of the name “graphic novel”. These are works that speak to the human condition, revealing the best and worst that man can be. Deadpool is not one of those works. It is, however, big fun.

Deadpool is a smart-ass. Deadpool is delusional. Deadpool is almost invulnerable, and the “almost” part usually comes around to bite him on the ass. Needless to say, Deadpool is way cool.

In these first nine issues of the latest incarnation of Deadpool, the “merc with a mouth” faces off Skrulls, Super-Skrulls, zombies, the Thunderbolts, and Namor’s old arch-enemy (well, actually he was kind of lame filler material back then) Tiger Shark. It’s all good mindless fun, courtesy of writer Daniel Way and artist Paco Medina.

Incidentally, Deadpool newbies need not worry; as a nice bonus Issue #1 has attached to it an 8-page synopsis of Deadpool’s convoluted backstory.

[WARNING: To follow the entire “Magnum Opus” Deadpool storyline which begins in issue #8, (I’m not being sarcastic; “Magnum Opus” is the title of the story) you will also need to read Thunderbolts issue #130.]

Fruit of the Desire Nest -

Well. Where to begin? In Japan hentai (rough translation: “weird attitude”) is usually considered a derogatory term. Thusly, the Japanese do not generally use this word as much, to refer to adult comics, as do us Westerners. Fruit of the Desire Nest, then, found… somewhere… on the net, is referred to more politely as “H-manga”, which basically just means “sexually-oriented comics”. And that’s just what it is.

So what is this particular H-manga about? Um, good question. This 172-page volume, which has NOT been translated into English, is divided into several short stories that appear to cover much of the common ground of Japanese sexual fantasy. There is the usual fascination with schoolgirls, heterosexual and otherwise, and these characters find themselves in a variety of seemingly everyday situations (okay, maybe not the one who is urinating into a baking dish, but otherwise…) that all lead to cartoony sex. This activity is at times censored slightly with tiny black bars, (which amusingly act more as arrows indicating “Hey, here’s the dirty part!”) and at other times not at all.

Most of the sex in this book, fortunately, seems to be consensual. I say seems not because much of the material strongly suggests rape, but simply because in Japanese culture it is often encouraged for females to behave as if sexual activity is causing them pain. (I don’t judge; I simply note this fact). The art reflects this, with some fairly exaggerated and pained facial expressions on its female protagonists.

The tales of Desire Net, if outlandishly rooted in Pornland, do seem to stick to our own reality. That is to say, there are no demons or tentacled creatures attacking the ladies in Fruit of the Desire Net. I mention this so that sci-fi sex fans (you know who you are) will know to look elsewhere.

Anyway, there is an audience for this type of literature, and for them this book will be a prime example… somewhere… on the net. For others it might satisfy a curiosity about a particular cultural phenomenon in another part of the world. As my dear Mom used to say, there’s nothing wrong with learning everything you can. I don’t think she was referring to dirty comic books, though.

* * *

On that disturbing note, that’s enough for now. See ya next week, fellow geek.